1/1/2016

thinking about writing, knowing that I should.
knowing that it would help, thinking it could be good.

I stop myself.

I'm afraid to write. I'm afraid to fail. I'm afraid to be honest.
it's hard to be honest. it's easy to fail.
it's hard to write and not be honest. it's easy to be honest and not to write.

but if I'm only honest with myself what good can it do?

I honestly don't want to be honest because I like to be cool.
but playing it cool only makes me a fool.

so honestly,

I am selfish.
I want to keep my thoughts to myself because I would rather be right in my own mind than to be told that I'm wrong by someone I want to like me.

I know that I'm wrong for this. I don't want you to tell me.

but that's not community.
community means more than just me.
community is two or more.
iron on iron.
painful perfection.
glory to glory.

FOR BETTER OR FOR WORSE: living and loving well

I have several friends getting married right now, one of them being my roommate. So wedding vows have been floating around in our recent topics of conversation. Every time I have heard people in movies or on tv saying those sacred vows recently, it’s been such a mind boggling thing, and it’s really got me thinking...

The “ for better or for worse” part especially puzzles me. The thought of VOWING to love and CHERISH someone even and especially at their worst is almost beyond me.

I’ve been in a really weird season this last year. Like a weird, difficult yucky season. One where I feel like I’ve taken ten steps back instead of any forward, and judgement is at the forefront of my mind and the tip of my tongue. This has made it difficult to love anyone, including myself. It has been rough. And I am pleased to say that I believe I am slowly climbing my way out this valley.

I share that to say, in this tough-terrible-weird season I have had people that have loved me well. People that have said (more with their actions than with their words), “hey, life’s hard. we get it. we know you don’t like you right now. but we like you, and we know who you really are outside of this funk. and we will stay by your side even through this.” And THAT is true friendship. That is the kind of friend I want to be.

I think that we need to vow to love people this way, not only in marriage, but in all of our relationships. Because that is what true love is about. It’s about believing the best in people when you see their worst; giving them the same grace that you have been given time and time again. I really believe that people will flourish when you love them outside of their actions. I think everyone needs some one to remind them who they really are when they forget. And who they really are is a person who is on the earth for a purpose, to accomplish something wonderful.

And don’t even get me started on the way that Jesus has loved us, because that is FAR beyond me. I. Can’t. Even.

Shalom y’all

rest

When I feel oh so tired and I cannot sleep
I  run to you to lay in your sheets

To rest my head is easier it seems
than resting my mind and these tossing seas

My desire for rest is exhausting at best

Even with my noblest intentions I cannot resist
but to close my eye to this hopeless abyss

Dreams seem kinder than reality
and the back of my eyelids hide this worlds atrocities

But still I wake in a different time
with an aching head and a heavy mind

This thing I've desired
still not found
This heart so heavy
still earthbound

So rest is not found here
in hiding from my fears

No matter how hidden the cave
I still find myself depraved

I need more than sleep
I need peace and REST

So I run to You
the only place my security is secured
where I can rest my mind and my heart is set free

So when I am oh so tired and I cannot sleep
I run to you and lay at Your feet
resting in the fact that I am where I should be

Boys That Ruin Plans

You might be thinking that I'm about to start some serious man-bashing with this post… but I'm not. So go ahead and put away your cast-iron skillets, ladies! I'm actually sitting here today with the intention of talking about how grateful I am for a few men that have stumbled into my life.

If you're like me, you are at that point in your life where a large percentage of your close lady friends are finding their special someones and diving into that big deep ocean of intoxicating instagram posts, constant flirt-texting, and the oh-so-romantic friday night plans. It can get frustrating when you're on this side of things, and it's difficult not to be selfish with the time and attention of the people you love. But when we allow ourselves to become angered and frustrated with these situations, we tend to point that frustration at the easiest person to dislike, and unluckily for them it tends to be the boo thangs of our besties. Obviously this isn't really fair and it doesn't benefit any of the involved relationships. 

{Side note: if you feel that the relationship your bestie is diving into is unhealthy, being angry and snarky at her boo isn't going to help the situation… but that's not what we're getting into here today. Just sayin'.}

I've realized that I am really grateful for the men that have stepped in and ruined a lot of our plans. Our plans to be crazy cat ladies together, to stay in every friday night and watch netflix, to crochet an entire room full of kitten mittens… I am sad that our plans have changed but I am happy about what they're changing to. I am grateful to see a man pursuing you and adoring you in the way you deserve to be adored. I am grateful for our perspectives changing as we watch what strength and gentleness look like in a real man. I am grateful that our plans have changed, and I'm grateful for the men that have changed them. 

So essentially what I am getting at is: don't be selfish, and check your perspective. Selfishness crumbles relationships and love(understanding) builds them.

Shalom y'all! 

Looking to the sky

Sometimes life is difficult. Like A LOT of times. And sometimes I don't even know what is making it difficult. It just is. In those times I relate to David- "Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you in turmoil within me?" Sometimes it's like my heart is so heavy within me that it draws my eyes down to the earth, and the action of looking to the sky is just too difficult of a task to bear. 

My favorite definition for depression is "to be lacking or void of all hope." No hope for today, no hope for tomorrow, no hope even for this moment. 

I find myself having to fight this a lot. Having to decide to decide to hope. But these little decisions are what make the difference. Because when we decide to finally look up or forward, away from ourselves, then that leads us to the next little decision- to take one step, putting one foot in front of the other. And after that decision the next decision to put the other foot in front is a little less difficult and then, step by step, you start to pick up more momentum. Before you know it you will be walking {or maybe even running} into your future. You can do it. Make that decision to look up.

{Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you in turmoil within me? Hope in God; for I shall again praise him, my salvation and my God.}

Wonder-lust

As I was painting my toenails this morning I was thinking about how I used to be so much better acquainted with my toes. But now as I've grown and gotten older there's been some distance put between us, and my familiarity of each toe and boney angle has become more and more fuzzy. I used to know my feet just as well as I know the back of my hand.

That whole thought trailed me along to the thought of how I used to be so much better acquainted with the ground. From taking naps on the living room floor to rolling around in the grass, the ground and I were just a lot closer to each other.

I still have such a clear image from the house I grew up in in Houston, of me laying on my bedroom floor, face pressed into the nappy blue carpet. Oh, it smelled dreadful. I can still remember it clearly, as if my nose were buried in it now. It smelled like foot, nail polish remover and synthetic fiber. I remember just staring intently at the fibers of the carpet, with my little freckled face resting on the smelly blue abyss. I had no idea that I was making a memory that would come back to visit me 10+ years later. I was just taking in the details of my surroundings.

I feel as I've gotten older my wonder-lust for the tiny details of life have dissipated and I've moved on to bigger things. It's as though my perception of the tiny details of earth have grown fuzzier, and only the big things are able to grab my attention now. I guess I always thought it would be the other way around, that as I got older my perception of the world would become clearer. That just isn't so. It seems the older I get the more confused I get. The older I get the more I have to remind myself to simplify. I actually have to try to be more childlike.

It makes sense that Jesus told us to be like little kids- our perception is much more tainted than theirs.

Let's all aspire to be little kids. Lost in wonder at even the tiniest details of life.

-Shalom y'all

Hope Farm… harvesting freedom.

So here I am, closing out my first week here in Honduras. I know I haven't been updating things very much and posting pictures and what not, but, sorry not sorry. I have been so wrapped up here. And now I have just a few moments so let me try and fill you in just a little bit…

For the past five days I have been at Hope Farm, a children's home that I got to visit only briefly during my last trip here. Though even in my brief time I spent here two years ago, I knew that this place was special. I knew that there was something very specific that drew me in to what they were doing here. Even as I listened to Paula talk to one of her adopted sons about school and homework (very mundane things) I felt so overwhelmed with the presence of something greater in the midst. This past week I witnessed this on an even bigger scale. I got to be a part of daily life here at the farm. And it was beautiful.

All of the kids have come from ROUGH backgrounds. They have been through situations that if you heard about would make you cry- like I'm trying not to do right now.
But let me tell you something else about these kids- they are great. They are loved, and they are loved well. And their lives are being redeemed. They have been pulled out of the darkest of places and God is using the Colbaths to sow hope and love into their destinies; and I believe without a shadow of a doubt that there will be freedom harvested in their lives.

The thing I've found that has drawn me to this place is that I didn't come visit an institution or a program; I came to visit a home. A home where life happens and things get messy, but everyone works together and does their best to make things right. And in that, they are changing lives. They are shifting things in the Kingdom, just by living authentically and graciously.

And just a side note- Mark & Paula (the parents at HF) are some of the most down to earth, humble, gracious, people you could ever imagine. They are pouring their lives out in a way that just by being around them makes you feel like you understand the gospel a little better. They are a smaller children's home (they have made the decision to stay smaller in order to shepherd the lives of the kids well), and so they function similar to a "normal" family. Paula makes dinner, and home schools a majority of the kids, and Mark supports them by working two jobs (smart computer-y jobs) from home. They are amazing, hardworking, parents. And they love their kids.

As I talked with Paula throughout this last week, I felt so much freedom. As we talked about the stories of the kids and the struggles of life, and Paula talked with so much grace in everything, I felt overwhelmed by the goodness of God. I felt hope rise in my soul, as I was reminded that life is hard BUT God is so good. He is good not to leave us in our dark places; He pulls us out and puts us in a family. He becomes our Abba.

So as I leave here to head to another one of my favorite places in the world (Jardin de Gracia) I am so grateful for this time I have had to experience the goodness of God, and see the Kingdom prevailing even in the midst of darkness.

And this little short rambley blog doesn't even come close to giving you the full picture of Hope Farms, so if you want to know more here is a link to their website where you can read more about what they're about :) including their recent chocolate endeavors!! They are making fairly traded chocolate, and let's just say it's really good… I may have eaten just a little bit while I've been here…

Blessings to you guys back in The States!
Shalom!!


http://hopefarmhonduras.org/AboutUs.php