"You can have it all, my empire of dirt"

Thinking a little bit today about death and loss.

I know, a little morbid for a saturday afternoon. But really I was thinking more about change and how it effects our lives... which then trailed into how losing a person changes our lives, which then of course brought me to the thought of losing a person to the other side {death}.

{I'm trying my best to put my trailing thoughts onto this page... but it's difficult, so bear with me here.}

So in trying to comprehend what it is that makes losing a person just so difficult, I came to the conclusion that one of the biggest factors, for me anyways, is change.
Because when you lose someone, your life is going to change. Even if just in a small way, it's inevitable that there will be a shift of change. And for me... change is difficult. I usually come out at the end of it for the better, but it doesn't make that adjustment period any easier.
I typically go through that period kicking, screaming, and stomping my feet. So mature.
And of course I always try and justify myself and make myself look as noble as possible, by making excuses for why I feel the way that I do. But there are no excuses. There are usually no words adequate
enough to express the tearing in your chest when someone walks out of your life. So making excuses is silly. Not that you're not aloud to feel that hurt, but you don't have to make excuses for the hurt that you're feeling. Sometimes life just hurts. Plain and simple.

And processing hurt is difficult enough without feeling like you have to justify yourself.

Of course there is that point where walking in hurt will do nothing but cause you more hurt, so you have to crawl out of the fetal position, stand to your feet, hold your chin up, and carry on. But one of the good thing that comes from hurt is that it acts as an equalizer among us humans. We've all been hurt in some form or fashion in our lives {there's just no way around it}, so we should be able to assist those that are maybe stuck in the fetal position, and if we get stuck hopefully there will be some one there to pull us up.


Hopefully that wasn't as morbid as you thought it would be.

Just some thoughts.

~SHALOM~

Free Time

Recently my schedule has opened up because school has finally ended for the semester. So I  have had a lot more "free time"...hence this blog post.

As you may or may not know {whoever "you" is... who even reads this blog, honestly?!}...... uhm, yeah, but you may or may not know that this past semester has been a difficult one for me. And things aren't exactly getting easier.  So in an attempt to be genuine and authentic, I will share a little bit of what I've been dealing with...
At the end of this past semester in the heat of finals I had an anxiety attack. Full-blown- had to pull my car over, couldn't breathe, couldn't speak- anxiety attack. This was the second anxiety attack I have ever had in my full 20 years. The first was during a dance rehearsal when I was about 14 or 15. After calming down and taking to heart some wisdom from some people that are wiser and stronger than myself, I made a link between these two attacks.

Control.

I know, you're thinking- "duh." But really, when I calmed down and was praying about where all of this intense extreme physical response to emotion was coming from. I had a revelation {that I believe was from the Lord}. I realized just how deep and latent my need for control was, and how much I cared about the approval of man. Ya see, both of these anxiety attacks were brought on by a feeling of a lack of control of my performance. The first, my dance performance. The second, my academic capability. I won't even go through my thought process during the anxiety attack, because it is so absurd. It was soaked in lies and blasphemes. If you have never had an anxiety attack, I hope you never have nor ever will, but it's like hearing the lies of the enemy so strongly that you can't hear anything else, not even reason. The only thing, or person rather, that can break you out of it is the light of HOPE {AKA-Jesus}. Or medications maybe.... You can take your pick between those two. This last anxiety attack was also coupled with an extra heaping of that "lack of control" feeling, because here I was done with the highest level of dance classes at K.C. and not really having anywhere to move forward with my dance training.

So something that I feel like is kind of a natural human response to feeling helpless and not having control of your own life, is to pull yourself up by your bootstraps, and by george take life by the horns!!
I mean, life isn't just happening TO you. You're in this thing kid. Do something. Take control.

The problem with swinging the pendulum this way is that we really can't ever be fully in control of our lives. Life happens, ya know. Think of the recent bombing and tornado just here in the last month! Im pretty sure those people were not prepared for those things nor did they feel in control in the midst of those circumstances. Something we can be in control of, however- is the way we respond in those situations. We can decide that we are IN FACT not in control, and to learn to trust and depend on the one that truly is in control. The maker and creator of the universe. The author and perfecter of our salvation. The sustainer.

Maybe that's a little to cliche for you.
But it is what makes life worth living for me.

All the toiling and all the performing {even if you're good at it!} will leave you empty at some point or another. Not that working toward things, and trying to do your best is bad! Just don't stake your life on it!

One thing that would really stress me out this past semester, when I was dealing with all of this, was having "free time." I felt this unnerving need to accomplish things and get things done, to the point where I wouldn't really ever rest or have any down time. Even when I wasn't "doing" anything I was stressing about how I wasn't doing anything!! So after everything came to a breaking point, and I was sorting things out after my anxiety attack, I came to the realization that my time has already been bought. And even though it doesn't really belong to me, that kind of takes the pressure off. My God bought my time when He purchased my life with His blood. He owns all of me, and when we release ourselves to that truth it takes away all of the pressure to accomplish our own tasks. And now I've found my self with some real FREE TIME. I have the freedom to take time out of my day to sit and drink coffee at coffee shop, and then spontaneously have a two hour visit with a friend that I don't typically just get to chat with. Or even just to sit and meditate on the good things that God has done in my life. I have found some real free time.
I mean, God created time. Maybe it would be a good idea to let him manage my time.

So today- the things that I need to accomplish are the things that I do.
Simple as that.


~SHALOM~

With or without mascara.

I wake up in the morning, usually in a bit of a rush to get clothes on and head out the door, but not before starring at myself in the mirror for a moment and hemming and hawing about how much makeup {if any at all} I'm going to dawn that day. It's a daily routine. But today, as I hem and haw, I remember what the true beauty that I carry is.

The most beautiful thing I have to offer to the world today is the light that I carry with me. Or, withIN me. So yes, I may have dark circles under my eyes, but the light shining forth from my soul can shine past that. And my capacity to love and encourage won't be hindered by how dull my complexion looks today. AND, even if I was to cake my face with makeup, the light that I carry still wouldn't be hindered! It could still shine through.

So, with or without mascara, I am going to take on this day- full force! With the confidence of a girl who is more concerned with the people around her, than the skin that she just so happens to be wearing.

Shalom y'all.

Just a little melancholy today.

Something about christmas music, just makes me want to sink into myself and not talk to anyone {no offense}. I don't mean the modern songs that  all the little tweenie-boppers come out with, or the type of trash that you might find on WOW Christmas Hit's 2012!!... I mean like the stuff you listen to while you sit around a fire with your most treasured humans.

Do you ever have that feeling like you miss something so terribly, like you want to run to get it even if you had to run for days.... but you just don't know what exactly that thing is? ...no? Oh.

Yeah, me neither.

But really. Maybe it's just the fact that I'm older now and the holidays, and life in general, has lost that simpleness. Like now the holidays entail trying to get off of work, making sure my car is ready for the trip {oil change, tire pressure, blah blah}, and making sure that all of the siblings schedule coincide at the parents house for atleast one day. It just isn't as fun this year for some reason.

I don't want to whine, because I'm really so grateful for so many things right now. But at the same time, I feel like I'm missing something.

As one of my favorites says- "What can you do with a sentimental heart."



-Just sayin.

Grow, flowers, grow.

     You're my field of flowers. 

I'll plant and then watch you grow. 

My love may not be the best, 

or even near perfected, 

but still I will sow.

Oh, how I love you so.

Please,

GROW, FLOWERS, GROW.

The best is yet to come.

Alright. I've been back for over a week now. I've had my ups and my down, of missing my little girls and the missionaries that had become family over the past two months, and then being excited to see my friends and my family here in The States.  I'm being torn in different direction to say the least. But after an overwhelming week of being back in The States I've come to a conclusion... The best is yet to come. That's all I can say. I know a lot of people would like a detailed recap of my trip, but I can't do it. Not now anyways. But I can tell you that my life has been changed for the better, and I've learned so much more about myself and the world around me. I wouldn't trade the last two months for anything.

Decisions, decisions.

Here we go again. Yet another blog about living the "single life". I only write about it so much because I'm OBVIOUSLY an expert at it.... But this blog is more about living life in general, it just so happens to be from the perspective of a single life.

I'm about to head back to the states in a couple of days {2 to be exact}, and so I'm having to decide what to do next. Praying through a lot of it of course, but having to make decisions in the process. Which is always difficult, scary and exciting all at the same time. I've almost hit the 1/4 of the way through my life mark though{yes, the big 2-0}, so I really need to get cracking.

I seem to have found myself at a fork in the road, but this fork has like 57 prongs. Actually it's more like there is one fork in the road, and then the roads that follow that fork each have 57 forks. But at the first fork you have two path options. ONE- you can choose to go down the careful path. This path is flat and you can see what is in front of you for miles, and is therefore deceptively easy. Bumps in this road include; everyday drudgery, boredom, and self-loathing. TWO- you can choose the path up the mountain in pursuit of the treasures God has for you. {whoa, just got deep, I know.} Bumps in this road include: making the tough decisions, stepping around the norm, and carrying with you those who can't walk themselves. Two paths. Both with bumps and trials. But one of them holds within it great adventure and great reward {take a guess at which one I'm talking about}.

Okay, if you've read any of my other blogs you've probably figured out that I like analogies. A lot. It's just how I process things the best. So don't be judgin' me, ya haters. But seriously, I am at that fork in the road. Of course it's not a difficult decision for me to make, but it is a decision I have to make, none the less.

Another thing I have been processing is the everyday forks in the road {I won't use another analogy-for sake of the length of this blog}. The little forks like- "am I going to feel sorry for myself, or am I going to spend all my energy on making my Abba smile today?" or "am I going to be upset that I'm single and doing things alone today, or am I going to take advantage of this time alone with my Abba."
Am I going to choose JOY, PEACE, PATIENCE, and KINDNESS?... by George, I think I will.

So whether you're single, married, betrothed, or at the "it's complicated" status; live your life to it's fullest potential. Choose to find the positive things about whatever your situation is, and choose to find the excitement in life. Not to say that this will make all of life butterflies and lollipops, but it will make it worth living- even in the hard times.


Just sayin.
Shalom, y'all.