1/1/2016

thinking about writing, knowing that I should.
knowing that it would help, thinking it could be good.

I stop myself.

I'm afraid to write. I'm afraid to fail. I'm afraid to be honest.
it's hard to be honest. it's easy to fail.
it's hard to write and not be honest. it's easy to be honest and not to write.

but if I'm only honest with myself what good can it do?

I honestly don't want to be honest because I like to be cool.
but playing it cool only makes me a fool.

so honestly,

I am selfish.
I want to keep my thoughts to myself because I would rather be right in my own mind than to be told that I'm wrong by someone I want to like me.

I know that I'm wrong for this. I don't want you to tell me.

but that's not community.
community means more than just me.
community is two or more.
iron on iron.
painful perfection.
glory to glory.

FOR BETTER OR FOR WORSE: living and loving well

I have several friends getting married right now, one of them being my roommate. So wedding vows have been floating around in our recent topics of conversation. Every time I have heard people in movies or on tv saying those sacred vows recently, it’s been such a mind boggling thing, and it’s really got me thinking...

The “ for better or for worse” part especially puzzles me. The thought of VOWING to love and CHERISH someone even and especially at their worst is almost beyond me.

I’ve been in a really weird season this last year. Like a weird, difficult yucky season. One where I feel like I’ve taken ten steps back instead of any forward, and judgement is at the forefront of my mind and the tip of my tongue. This has made it difficult to love anyone, including myself. It has been rough. And I am pleased to say that I believe I am slowly climbing my way out this valley.

I share that to say, in this tough-terrible-weird season I have had people that have loved me well. People that have said (more with their actions than with their words), “hey, life’s hard. we get it. we know you don’t like you right now. but we like you, and we know who you really are outside of this funk. and we will stay by your side even through this.” And THAT is true friendship. That is the kind of friend I want to be.

I think that we need to vow to love people this way, not only in marriage, but in all of our relationships. Because that is what true love is about. It’s about believing the best in people when you see their worst; giving them the same grace that you have been given time and time again. I really believe that people will flourish when you love them outside of their actions. I think everyone needs some one to remind them who they really are when they forget. And who they really are is a person who is on the earth for a purpose, to accomplish something wonderful.

And don’t even get me started on the way that Jesus has loved us, because that is FAR beyond me. I. Can’t. Even.

Shalom y’all

rest

When I feel oh so tired and I cannot sleep
I  run to you to lay in your sheets

To rest my head is easier it seems
than resting my mind and these tossing seas

My desire for rest is exhausting at best

Even with my noblest intentions I cannot resist
but to close my eye to this hopeless abyss

Dreams seem kinder than reality
and the back of my eyelids hide this worlds atrocities

But still I wake in a different time
with an aching head and a heavy mind

This thing I've desired
still not found
This heart so heavy
still earthbound

So rest is not found here
in hiding from my fears

No matter how hidden the cave
I still find myself depraved

I need more than sleep
I need peace and REST

So I run to You
the only place my security is secured
where I can rest my mind and my heart is set free

So when I am oh so tired and I cannot sleep
I run to you and lay at Your feet
resting in the fact that I am where I should be

Boys That Ruin Plans

You might be thinking that I'm about to start some serious man-bashing with this post… but I'm not. So go ahead and put away your cast-iron skillets, ladies! I'm actually sitting here today with the intention of talking about how grateful I am for a few men that have stumbled into my life.

If you're like me, you are at that point in your life where a large percentage of your close lady friends are finding their special someones and diving into that big deep ocean of intoxicating instagram posts, constant flirt-texting, and the oh-so-romantic friday night plans. It can get frustrating when you're on this side of things, and it's difficult not to be selfish with the time and attention of the people you love. But when we allow ourselves to become angered and frustrated with these situations, we tend to point that frustration at the easiest person to dislike, and unluckily for them it tends to be the boo thangs of our besties. Obviously this isn't really fair and it doesn't benefit any of the involved relationships. 

{Side note: if you feel that the relationship your bestie is diving into is unhealthy, being angry and snarky at her boo isn't going to help the situation… but that's not what we're getting into here today. Just sayin'.}

I've realized that I am really grateful for the men that have stepped in and ruined a lot of our plans. Our plans to be crazy cat ladies together, to stay in every friday night and watch netflix, to crochet an entire room full of kitten mittens… I am sad that our plans have changed but I am happy about what they're changing to. I am grateful to see a man pursuing you and adoring you in the way you deserve to be adored. I am grateful for our perspectives changing as we watch what strength and gentleness look like in a real man. I am grateful that our plans have changed, and I'm grateful for the men that have changed them. 

So essentially what I am getting at is: don't be selfish, and check your perspective. Selfishness crumbles relationships and love(understanding) builds them.

Shalom y'all! 

Looking to the sky

Sometimes life is difficult. Like A LOT of times. And sometimes I don't even know what is making it difficult. It just is. In those times I relate to David- "Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you in turmoil within me?" Sometimes it's like my heart is so heavy within me that it draws my eyes down to the earth, and the action of looking to the sky is just too difficult of a task to bear. 

My favorite definition for depression is "to be lacking or void of all hope." No hope for today, no hope for tomorrow, no hope even for this moment. 

I find myself having to fight this a lot. Having to decide to decide to hope. But these little decisions are what make the difference. Because when we decide to finally look up or forward, away from ourselves, then that leads us to the next little decision- to take one step, putting one foot in front of the other. And after that decision the next decision to put the other foot in front is a little less difficult and then, step by step, you start to pick up more momentum. Before you know it you will be walking {or maybe even running} into your future. You can do it. Make that decision to look up.

{Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you in turmoil within me? Hope in God; for I shall again praise him, my salvation and my God.}

Wonder-lust

As I was painting my toenails this morning I was thinking about how I used to be so much better acquainted with my toes. But now as I've grown and gotten older there's been some distance put between us, and my familiarity of each toe and boney angle has become more and more fuzzy. I used to know my feet just as well as I know the back of my hand.

That whole thought trailed me along to the thought of how I used to be so much better acquainted with the ground. From taking naps on the living room floor to rolling around in the grass, the ground and I were just a lot closer to each other.

I still have such a clear image from the house I grew up in in Houston, of me laying on my bedroom floor, face pressed into the nappy blue carpet. Oh, it smelled dreadful. I can still remember it clearly, as if my nose were buried in it now. It smelled like foot, nail polish remover and synthetic fiber. I remember just staring intently at the fibers of the carpet, with my little freckled face resting on the smelly blue abyss. I had no idea that I was making a memory that would come back to visit me 10+ years later. I was just taking in the details of my surroundings.

I feel as I've gotten older my wonder-lust for the tiny details of life have dissipated and I've moved on to bigger things. It's as though my perception of the tiny details of earth have grown fuzzier, and only the big things are able to grab my attention now. I guess I always thought it would be the other way around, that as I got older my perception of the world would become clearer. That just isn't so. It seems the older I get the more confused I get. The older I get the more I have to remind myself to simplify. I actually have to try to be more childlike.

It makes sense that Jesus told us to be like little kids- our perception is much more tainted than theirs.

Let's all aspire to be little kids. Lost in wonder at even the tiniest details of life.

-Shalom y'all

Hope Farm… harvesting freedom.

So here I am, closing out my first week here in Honduras. I know I haven't been updating things very much and posting pictures and what not, but, sorry not sorry. I have been so wrapped up here. And now I have just a few moments so let me try and fill you in just a little bit…

For the past five days I have been at Hope Farm, a children's home that I got to visit only briefly during my last trip here. Though even in my brief time I spent here two years ago, I knew that this place was special. I knew that there was something very specific that drew me in to what they were doing here. Even as I listened to Paula talk to one of her adopted sons about school and homework (very mundane things) I felt so overwhelmed with the presence of something greater in the midst. This past week I witnessed this on an even bigger scale. I got to be a part of daily life here at the farm. And it was beautiful.

All of the kids have come from ROUGH backgrounds. They have been through situations that if you heard about would make you cry- like I'm trying not to do right now.
But let me tell you something else about these kids- they are great. They are loved, and they are loved well. And their lives are being redeemed. They have been pulled out of the darkest of places and God is using the Colbaths to sow hope and love into their destinies; and I believe without a shadow of a doubt that there will be freedom harvested in their lives.

The thing I've found that has drawn me to this place is that I didn't come visit an institution or a program; I came to visit a home. A home where life happens and things get messy, but everyone works together and does their best to make things right. And in that, they are changing lives. They are shifting things in the Kingdom, just by living authentically and graciously.

And just a side note- Mark & Paula (the parents at HF) are some of the most down to earth, humble, gracious, people you could ever imagine. They are pouring their lives out in a way that just by being around them makes you feel like you understand the gospel a little better. They are a smaller children's home (they have made the decision to stay smaller in order to shepherd the lives of the kids well), and so they function similar to a "normal" family. Paula makes dinner, and home schools a majority of the kids, and Mark supports them by working two jobs (smart computer-y jobs) from home. They are amazing, hardworking, parents. And they love their kids.

As I talked with Paula throughout this last week, I felt so much freedom. As we talked about the stories of the kids and the struggles of life, and Paula talked with so much grace in everything, I felt overwhelmed by the goodness of God. I felt hope rise in my soul, as I was reminded that life is hard BUT God is so good. He is good not to leave us in our dark places; He pulls us out and puts us in a family. He becomes our Abba.

So as I leave here to head to another one of my favorite places in the world (Jardin de Gracia) I am so grateful for this time I have had to experience the goodness of God, and see the Kingdom prevailing even in the midst of darkness.

And this little short rambley blog doesn't even come close to giving you the full picture of Hope Farms, so if you want to know more here is a link to their website where you can read more about what they're about :) including their recent chocolate endeavors!! They are making fairly traded chocolate, and let's just say it's really good… I may have eaten just a little bit while I've been here…

Blessings to you guys back in The States!
Shalom!!


http://hopefarmhonduras.org/AboutUs.php

Nicholas Sparks No More

A few years ago I wrote a post about how Nicholas Sparks and other movies like his should be labelled as "emotional porn." Harsh- I know... I then began to question my own conviction after being rebuked for that post by women that I respected. Granted- my post wasn't tilted towards the gracious side but more towards the judgmental side, so I understand that the idea wasn't welcomed to many with open arms. But let me just say right now that it was NOT my heart to shove my convictions down any one else's throat; and I  didn't mean to come across so judgmental.  I just recognized something that was causing dissatisfaction in my life. I could see the potential damage that this thing could have on my, and maybe other women's, future relationships. So let me now revisit this topic with more grace and understanding…

First off, let me point out the good that I see in these movies…
   
 I think most romantic movies such as {but not limited to} Nicholas Sparks', tend to focus on forgiveness, reconciliation, and even laying down your own desires for the benefit of someone else. Obviously these things are beneficial for all of us to observe. Also, it's good to observe love and treasure it for the beauty that it is! There is something truly "magical" about when two people decide to unite their lives and take on the world together.

Secondly, now that I have hopefully convinced you that I'm not a bitter cynic…

One of the main objections I have to steamy romances is the dissatisfaction that they seem to breed in the women that watch them. I can definitely say this is fact for  myself, but also for many other women I know that are willing to be authentic about the desires that these types of movies stir up in their hearts. It is difficult enough to be single, we don't need a movie to show us all the hot and heavy details that we are missing out on… I truly believe that being single is a gift, but often times it's a blessing in disguise- because it is disguised in all of our desire to be in a relationship or feel the "butterflies."

Another red flag I have is the expectations these movies set up for the men in our lives. Not that men should't be held to a standards, they should. And in some movies I think the male lead can set GOOD expectations for girls. But the ideal of a guy that is able to fix my car, play the guitar/piano, be a doctor, always know the right thing to say, understand what I'm feeling without me having to tell him, and have a six-pack… is just a little extreme. Like I said though, some male leads set good expectations, mostly when it comes to their character. But just like I wouldn't want my significant other to hold me to the standard of Angelina Jolie or Natalie Portman, I don't think it's fair that I expect him to be a super buff, mechanic/doctor/dreamboat.

The reason I am revisiting this subject is because it was brought back to my attention when I watched "Endless Love," the first Nicholas Sparks movie I have seen in a while. And it really confirmed a lot of my convictions I had felt a few years ago. Of course I am not saying "DO NOT WATCH THESE MOVIES OR YOU WILL NEVER HAVE A HAPPY MARRIAGE AND YOUR LIFE WILL BE TERRIBLLLLLLE." I am just saying that I think we watch these movies to flippantly without {as cheesy as it is} guarding our hearts. Everyone IS different though, and these movies do not effect everyone the same way, so you have to take care to guard your heart and I have to take care to guard mine.

My heart when it comes to this matter is that girls living the single life would truly enjoy their singleness, and not always be looking for someone to sweep them off their feet. I hope you are challenged to revisit the cheesy idea of "guarding your heart," and what that looks like for you.

Shalom y'all.




P.S. I think I am pretty settled on the idea of not watching these movies anymore just for pure enjoyment, but that does't mean I don't want to be invited to girls nights just because I'm the freak that doesn't watch chick flicks! I would rather have the blessing of fellowshipping with my sisters and have to take extra care to guard my heart, than miss out on the fellowship all together. So there's that.

Prosperity and prodigal.

I've been thinking a lot lately about the prosperity gospel, that is so widely accepted here in the US… I've noticed recently how sneaky and subtle it can be. A lot of it comes down to not allowing the Lord to satisfy you, I think.
But I had a small revelation about the idea as a whole the other day. I think if we look at the story of the  prodigal son we can understand the real problem with the prosperity gospel.

The prodigal son demanded his inheritance NOW; he knew that his father had good things for him, but he wanted those things on his time schedule, and he demanded that he be given his inheritance immediately. The father gave him what he asked, knowing that his son would only grow distant from him after taking his inheritance. {Oh, the love and grace of the Father.}
How often do we do this…? Not even just with material things, but with the other things that the Lord has given us. How often do we demand healing, peace, or "a word," from the Lord? Not that these are bad things to seek, but when we start seeking them more than we seek God himself, or desire them more than we desire Him, we find ourselves in the position of the entitled stubborn child stomping our foot at our father. Abba wants to give us good things, but He also knows the details more than we do. He sees everything and He knows everything. We don't.

The greatest part about the prodigal son story is that the Father is waiting to welcome the son home. Abba is ever patiently waiting for us to humble ourselves and return to His open arms.
Praise Him.

Autumn leaves

I love Autumn because the trees burst forth in their best dressed leaves and greet me with their warmest greeting. I love the smell of autumn. I love driving through the leaves as they fall to the earth, dancing slowly in a spiral to the earth below. I love the crunch of the leaves under my bundled feet. GAAHHH! I love it.
But if you will, for a moment go with me on a slightly morbid mind trail…

The sad thing about autumn is that it's only a season, and it's beautifully colored leaves only last for a breath until they fall to the earth to take their place with the dirt. The bright colors can't last forever. As much as I want them to greet me every morning  from my balcony, I know that it's only a season. In a few weeks all that will be left is empty branches and a cold wind to take their place.

This holiday, as I was spending what could have been my last thanksgiving with my Grandmother, I was reminded of the seasons changing, and how our youth is like that season of bursting bright color. We won't hold onto our youthful zest forever; just like the leaves can't maintain their bright orange, yellow and red colors forever, simply because of the fact that the earth is drawing us down to meet it and take our place with the dirt. Our bodies are weak and a victim of the sin that's taken this earth captive. But just like the trees dancing and twirling to the earth below, I want to go down dancing and twirling graciously and peacefully. I also want to use my bursting bright colors well though… I want to be a source of joy and wonder. I want people to think of me in the cold gray winter in order to get them through until the bright and warm season of spring. Also I want to get to my fullest potential {my brightest color, if you will}.

I'm going to burst forth brightly in this season, and I hope you are encouraged to do the same.

{The grass withers and the flowers fade, but the word of the Lord endures forever}

Settling in.

All my clothes are finally in their drawers and due places. FINALLY. And by "all" I mean all the ones that aren't piled high in the dirty-clothes hamper. And contrary to my clothing being settled, I still feel in that rough phase where everything is still so uncertain. I feel like every corner I turn around there is something new that I hadn't expected. It may not even be anything bad, it's just not what I expected, so it throws me slightly. I know it's only a temporary phase. I know that soon enough I will be settled in here. But Im reminded that expectations can be tricky to deal with in life, because they're almost impossible to avoid but you always have to be ready for the reality of situations not living up to your expectations. And when you look back at a later time you're usually grateful that the situations DIDN'T live up to your expectations. Still though... they're tricky.

So as of right now I'm still settling in. I am missing my piney woods {like I knew that I would}, but I am enjoying the tree top view from my apartment window. Now there is something I didn't expect!  That was a pleasant surprise! I am also missing my Longview friends terribly, and can't wait until I get to see them again.

I guess that's all for now.

Shalom y'all.

C'est la vie.

Here I am, sitting in my room with boxes half packed, and laundry I don't see the point in putting away strewn all across my bed. Life feels weird today. I feel like my grip on reality is slightly looser than normal. I can't even seem to grasp the concept of my calendar pages and how they relate to real days that have happened or will happen. I can't even fathom the idea that in one week exactly I will be sitting in a new room, with new furnishings, and a new view from the window. I'll miss my pine forest. I will miss the dancing shadows it casts on my window. I will miss a lot of things. Too many things to even type out. It's a lot of little things as well as several big things.

Change is difficult. Especially for those of us with sentimental hearts. It's not that I think this next place won't be wonderful and exciting, it's just the fact that it won't be THIS place. It's that I have to let go to move on. I will have to look forward while my heart will inevitably be holding back slightly.
BUT- this is life. Change happens. You just gotta keep breathing.

...365...

One year ago.

At exactly this time last year I was in a similar situation as I am this year. Getting ready to jump into a new adventure. And on the 3rd of September, it will have been exactly 365 days since I got on that plane to Honduras, and I will be starting classes with Ingredients Trainee Program. Slightly uncanny how the two things share the same date... but the uncanniness of it has caused me to really look back over the last year {365 days, if you will}, and take stock of everything I've been through.

It's been a rough year. To be real.

I've experienced the pain of things being torn from my grip and put on display right in front of me. I've felt the hurt of friends turning their backs toward me. I've loved things I then had to let go. And I've tripped, gotten up, tripped again, and then realized that my own two feet are the very things causing me to stumble.

But as I sit hear with sweaty eyes, I also remember that "better is a house of mourning." And I will press through the pain to find what lies ahead. Expecting good things, because with a little bit of wisdom under my belt, and with ankles strengthened from their weaker state- I will press on to a new adventure. I will fall, but always get up at least one more time. I will find rest in the fact that my Abba has something up his sleeve. And I will make the decision to look at my past with eyes seeking wisdom and understanding only, and not self-pity.

So as I get ready for the next 365, I do so knowing that it might not be easy, but it will be GOOD. I will probably trip again at some point, but He will pick me back up and dust me off.

May the Lamb receive the reward of His suffering.

SHALOM

"You can have it all, my empire of dirt"

Thinking a little bit today about death and loss.

I know, a little morbid for a saturday afternoon. But really I was thinking more about change and how it effects our lives... which then trailed into how losing a person changes our lives, which then of course brought me to the thought of losing a person to the other side {death}.

{I'm trying my best to put my trailing thoughts onto this page... but it's difficult, so bear with me here.}

So in trying to comprehend what it is that makes losing a person just so difficult, I came to the conclusion that one of the biggest factors, for me anyways, is change.
Because when you lose someone, your life is going to change. Even if just in a small way, it's inevitable that there will be a shift of change. And for me... change is difficult. I usually come out at the end of it for the better, but it doesn't make that adjustment period any easier.
I typically go through that period kicking, screaming, and stomping my feet. So mature.
And of course I always try and justify myself and make myself look as noble as possible, by making excuses for why I feel the way that I do. But there are no excuses. There are usually no words adequate
enough to express the tearing in your chest when someone walks out of your life. So making excuses is silly. Not that you're not aloud to feel that hurt, but you don't have to make excuses for the hurt that you're feeling. Sometimes life just hurts. Plain and simple.

And processing hurt is difficult enough without feeling like you have to justify yourself.

Of course there is that point where walking in hurt will do nothing but cause you more hurt, so you have to crawl out of the fetal position, stand to your feet, hold your chin up, and carry on. But one of the good thing that comes from hurt is that it acts as an equalizer among us humans. We've all been hurt in some form or fashion in our lives {there's just no way around it}, so we should be able to assist those that are maybe stuck in the fetal position, and if we get stuck hopefully there will be some one there to pull us up.


Hopefully that wasn't as morbid as you thought it would be.

Just some thoughts.

~SHALOM~

Free Time

Recently my schedule has opened up because school has finally ended for the semester. So I  have had a lot more "free time"...hence this blog post.

As you may or may not know {whoever "you" is... who even reads this blog, honestly?!}...... uhm, yeah, but you may or may not know that this past semester has been a difficult one for me. And things aren't exactly getting easier.  So in an attempt to be genuine and authentic, I will share a little bit of what I've been dealing with...
At the end of this past semester in the heat of finals I had an anxiety attack. Full-blown- had to pull my car over, couldn't breathe, couldn't speak- anxiety attack. This was the second anxiety attack I have ever had in my full 20 years. The first was during a dance rehearsal when I was about 14 or 15. After calming down and taking to heart some wisdom from some people that are wiser and stronger than myself, I made a link between these two attacks.

Control.

I know, you're thinking- "duh." But really, when I calmed down and was praying about where all of this intense extreme physical response to emotion was coming from. I had a revelation {that I believe was from the Lord}. I realized just how deep and latent my need for control was, and how much I cared about the approval of man. Ya see, both of these anxiety attacks were brought on by a feeling of a lack of control of my performance. The first, my dance performance. The second, my academic capability. I won't even go through my thought process during the anxiety attack, because it is so absurd. It was soaked in lies and blasphemes. If you have never had an anxiety attack, I hope you never have nor ever will, but it's like hearing the lies of the enemy so strongly that you can't hear anything else, not even reason. The only thing, or person rather, that can break you out of it is the light of HOPE {AKA-Jesus}. Or medications maybe.... You can take your pick between those two. This last anxiety attack was also coupled with an extra heaping of that "lack of control" feeling, because here I was done with the highest level of dance classes at K.C. and not really having anywhere to move forward with my dance training.

So something that I feel like is kind of a natural human response to feeling helpless and not having control of your own life, is to pull yourself up by your bootstraps, and by george take life by the horns!!
I mean, life isn't just happening TO you. You're in this thing kid. Do something. Take control.

The problem with swinging the pendulum this way is that we really can't ever be fully in control of our lives. Life happens, ya know. Think of the recent bombing and tornado just here in the last month! Im pretty sure those people were not prepared for those things nor did they feel in control in the midst of those circumstances. Something we can be in control of, however- is the way we respond in those situations. We can decide that we are IN FACT not in control, and to learn to trust and depend on the one that truly is in control. The maker and creator of the universe. The author and perfecter of our salvation. The sustainer.

Maybe that's a little to cliche for you.
But it is what makes life worth living for me.

All the toiling and all the performing {even if you're good at it!} will leave you empty at some point or another. Not that working toward things, and trying to do your best is bad! Just don't stake your life on it!

One thing that would really stress me out this past semester, when I was dealing with all of this, was having "free time." I felt this unnerving need to accomplish things and get things done, to the point where I wouldn't really ever rest or have any down time. Even when I wasn't "doing" anything I was stressing about how I wasn't doing anything!! So after everything came to a breaking point, and I was sorting things out after my anxiety attack, I came to the realization that my time has already been bought. And even though it doesn't really belong to me, that kind of takes the pressure off. My God bought my time when He purchased my life with His blood. He owns all of me, and when we release ourselves to that truth it takes away all of the pressure to accomplish our own tasks. And now I've found my self with some real FREE TIME. I have the freedom to take time out of my day to sit and drink coffee at coffee shop, and then spontaneously have a two hour visit with a friend that I don't typically just get to chat with. Or even just to sit and meditate on the good things that God has done in my life. I have found some real free time.
I mean, God created time. Maybe it would be a good idea to let him manage my time.

So today- the things that I need to accomplish are the things that I do.
Simple as that.


~SHALOM~

With or without mascara.

I wake up in the morning, usually in a bit of a rush to get clothes on and head out the door, but not before starring at myself in the mirror for a moment and hemming and hawing about how much makeup {if any at all} I'm going to dawn that day. It's a daily routine. But today, as I hem and haw, I remember what the true beauty that I carry is.

The most beautiful thing I have to offer to the world today is the light that I carry with me. Or, withIN me. So yes, I may have dark circles under my eyes, but the light shining forth from my soul can shine past that. And my capacity to love and encourage won't be hindered by how dull my complexion looks today. AND, even if I was to cake my face with makeup, the light that I carry still wouldn't be hindered! It could still shine through.

So, with or without mascara, I am going to take on this day- full force! With the confidence of a girl who is more concerned with the people around her, than the skin that she just so happens to be wearing.

Shalom y'all.

Just a little melancholy today.

Something about christmas music, just makes me want to sink into myself and not talk to anyone {no offense}. I don't mean the modern songs that  all the little tweenie-boppers come out with, or the type of trash that you might find on WOW Christmas Hit's 2012!!... I mean like the stuff you listen to while you sit around a fire with your most treasured humans.

Do you ever have that feeling like you miss something so terribly, like you want to run to get it even if you had to run for days.... but you just don't know what exactly that thing is? ...no? Oh.

Yeah, me neither.

But really. Maybe it's just the fact that I'm older now and the holidays, and life in general, has lost that simpleness. Like now the holidays entail trying to get off of work, making sure my car is ready for the trip {oil change, tire pressure, blah blah}, and making sure that all of the siblings schedule coincide at the parents house for atleast one day. It just isn't as fun this year for some reason.

I don't want to whine, because I'm really so grateful for so many things right now. But at the same time, I feel like I'm missing something.

As one of my favorites says- "What can you do with a sentimental heart."



-Just sayin.

Grow, flowers, grow.

     You're my field of flowers. 

I'll plant and then watch you grow. 

My love may not be the best, 

or even near perfected, 

but still I will sow.

Oh, how I love you so.

Please,

GROW, FLOWERS, GROW.

The best is yet to come.

Alright. I've been back for over a week now. I've had my ups and my down, of missing my little girls and the missionaries that had become family over the past two months, and then being excited to see my friends and my family here in The States.  I'm being torn in different direction to say the least. But after an overwhelming week of being back in The States I've come to a conclusion... The best is yet to come. That's all I can say. I know a lot of people would like a detailed recap of my trip, but I can't do it. Not now anyways. But I can tell you that my life has been changed for the better, and I've learned so much more about myself and the world around me. I wouldn't trade the last two months for anything.

Decisions, decisions.

Here we go again. Yet another blog about living the "single life". I only write about it so much because I'm OBVIOUSLY an expert at it.... But this blog is more about living life in general, it just so happens to be from the perspective of a single life.

I'm about to head back to the states in a couple of days {2 to be exact}, and so I'm having to decide what to do next. Praying through a lot of it of course, but having to make decisions in the process. Which is always difficult, scary and exciting all at the same time. I've almost hit the 1/4 of the way through my life mark though{yes, the big 2-0}, so I really need to get cracking.

I seem to have found myself at a fork in the road, but this fork has like 57 prongs. Actually it's more like there is one fork in the road, and then the roads that follow that fork each have 57 forks. But at the first fork you have two path options. ONE- you can choose to go down the careful path. This path is flat and you can see what is in front of you for miles, and is therefore deceptively easy. Bumps in this road include; everyday drudgery, boredom, and self-loathing. TWO- you can choose the path up the mountain in pursuit of the treasures God has for you. {whoa, just got deep, I know.} Bumps in this road include: making the tough decisions, stepping around the norm, and carrying with you those who can't walk themselves. Two paths. Both with bumps and trials. But one of them holds within it great adventure and great reward {take a guess at which one I'm talking about}.

Okay, if you've read any of my other blogs you've probably figured out that I like analogies. A lot. It's just how I process things the best. So don't be judgin' me, ya haters. But seriously, I am at that fork in the road. Of course it's not a difficult decision for me to make, but it is a decision I have to make, none the less.

Another thing I have been processing is the everyday forks in the road {I won't use another analogy-for sake of the length of this blog}. The little forks like- "am I going to feel sorry for myself, or am I going to spend all my energy on making my Abba smile today?" or "am I going to be upset that I'm single and doing things alone today, or am I going to take advantage of this time alone with my Abba."
Am I going to choose JOY, PEACE, PATIENCE, and KINDNESS?... by George, I think I will.

So whether you're single, married, betrothed, or at the "it's complicated" status; live your life to it's fullest potential. Choose to find the positive things about whatever your situation is, and choose to find the excitement in life. Not to say that this will make all of life butterflies and lollipops, but it will make it worth living- even in the hard times.


Just sayin.
Shalom, y'all.