Recently my schedule has opened up because school has finally ended for the semester. So I have had a lot more "free time"...hence this blog post.
As you may or may not know {whoever "you" is... who even reads this blog, honestly?!}...... uhm, yeah, but you may or may not know that this past semester has been a difficult one for me. And things aren't exactly getting easier. So in an attempt to be genuine and authentic, I will share a little bit of what I've been dealing with...
At the end of this past semester in the heat of finals I had an anxiety attack. Full-blown- had to pull my car over, couldn't breathe, couldn't speak- anxiety attack. This was the second anxiety attack I have ever had in my full 20 years. The first was during a dance rehearsal when I was about 14 or 15. After calming down and taking to heart some wisdom from some people that are wiser and stronger than myself, I made a link between these two attacks.
Control.
I know, you're thinking- "duh." But really, when I calmed down and was praying about where all of this intense extreme physical response to emotion was coming from. I had a revelation {that I believe was from the Lord}. I realized just how deep and latent my need for control was, and how much I cared about the approval of man. Ya see, both of these anxiety attacks were brought on by a feeling of a lack of control of my performance. The first, my dance performance. The second, my academic capability. I won't even go through my thought process during the anxiety attack, because it is so absurd. It was soaked in lies and blasphemes. If you have never had an anxiety attack, I hope you never have nor ever will, but it's like hearing the lies of the enemy so strongly that you can't hear anything else, not even reason. The only thing, or person rather, that can break you out of it is the light of HOPE {AKA-Jesus}. Or medications maybe.... You can take your pick between those two. This last anxiety attack was also coupled with an extra heaping of that "lack of control" feeling, because here I was done with the highest level of dance classes at K.C. and not really having anywhere to move forward with my dance training.
So something that I feel like is kind of a natural human response to feeling helpless and not having control of your own life, is to pull yourself up by your bootstraps, and by george take life by the horns!!
I mean, life isn't just happening TO you. You're in this thing kid. Do something. Take control.
The problem with swinging the pendulum this way is that we really can't ever be fully in control of our lives. Life happens, ya know. Think of the recent bombing and tornado just here in the last month! Im pretty sure those people were not prepared for those things nor did they feel in control in the midst of those circumstances. Something we can be in control of, however- is the way we respond in those situations. We can decide that we are IN FACT not in control, and to learn to trust and depend on the one that truly is in control. The maker and creator of the universe. The author and perfecter of our salvation. The sustainer.
Maybe that's a little to cliche for you.
But it is what makes life worth living for me.
All the toiling and all the performing {even if you're good at it!} will leave you empty at some point or another. Not that working toward things, and trying to do your best is bad! Just don't stake your life on it!
One thing that would really stress me out this past semester, when I was dealing with all of this, was having "free time." I felt this unnerving need to accomplish things and get things done, to the point where I wouldn't really ever rest or have any down time. Even when I wasn't "doing" anything I was stressing about how I wasn't doing anything!! So after everything came to a breaking point, and I was sorting things out after my anxiety attack, I came to the realization that my time has already been bought. And even though it doesn't really belong to me, that kind of takes the pressure off. My God bought my time when He purchased my life with His blood. He owns all of me, and when we release ourselves to that truth it takes away all of the pressure to accomplish our own tasks. And now I've found my self with some real FREE TIME. I have the freedom to take time out of my day to sit and drink coffee at coffee shop, and then spontaneously have a two hour visit with a friend that I don't typically just get to chat with. Or even just to sit and meditate on the good things that God has done in my life. I have found some real free time.
I mean, God created time. Maybe it would be a good idea to let him manage my time.
So today- the things that I need to accomplish are the things that I do.
Simple as that.
~SHALOM~
