Looking to the sky

Sometimes life is difficult. Like A LOT of times. And sometimes I don't even know what is making it difficult. It just is. In those times I relate to David- "Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you in turmoil within me?" Sometimes it's like my heart is so heavy within me that it draws my eyes down to the earth, and the action of looking to the sky is just too difficult of a task to bear. 

My favorite definition for depression is "to be lacking or void of all hope." No hope for today, no hope for tomorrow, no hope even for this moment. 

I find myself having to fight this a lot. Having to decide to decide to hope. But these little decisions are what make the difference. Because when we decide to finally look up or forward, away from ourselves, then that leads us to the next little decision- to take one step, putting one foot in front of the other. And after that decision the next decision to put the other foot in front is a little less difficult and then, step by step, you start to pick up more momentum. Before you know it you will be walking {or maybe even running} into your future. You can do it. Make that decision to look up.

{Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you in turmoil within me? Hope in God; for I shall again praise him, my salvation and my God.}

Wonder-lust

As I was painting my toenails this morning I was thinking about how I used to be so much better acquainted with my toes. But now as I've grown and gotten older there's been some distance put between us, and my familiarity of each toe and boney angle has become more and more fuzzy. I used to know my feet just as well as I know the back of my hand.

That whole thought trailed me along to the thought of how I used to be so much better acquainted with the ground. From taking naps on the living room floor to rolling around in the grass, the ground and I were just a lot closer to each other.

I still have such a clear image from the house I grew up in in Houston, of me laying on my bedroom floor, face pressed into the nappy blue carpet. Oh, it smelled dreadful. I can still remember it clearly, as if my nose were buried in it now. It smelled like foot, nail polish remover and synthetic fiber. I remember just staring intently at the fibers of the carpet, with my little freckled face resting on the smelly blue abyss. I had no idea that I was making a memory that would come back to visit me 10+ years later. I was just taking in the details of my surroundings.

I feel as I've gotten older my wonder-lust for the tiny details of life have dissipated and I've moved on to bigger things. It's as though my perception of the tiny details of earth have grown fuzzier, and only the big things are able to grab my attention now. I guess I always thought it would be the other way around, that as I got older my perception of the world would become clearer. That just isn't so. It seems the older I get the more confused I get. The older I get the more I have to remind myself to simplify. I actually have to try to be more childlike.

It makes sense that Jesus told us to be like little kids- our perception is much more tainted than theirs.

Let's all aspire to be little kids. Lost in wonder at even the tiniest details of life.

-Shalom y'all

Hope Farm… harvesting freedom.

So here I am, closing out my first week here in Honduras. I know I haven't been updating things very much and posting pictures and what not, but, sorry not sorry. I have been so wrapped up here. And now I have just a few moments so let me try and fill you in just a little bit…

For the past five days I have been at Hope Farm, a children's home that I got to visit only briefly during my last trip here. Though even in my brief time I spent here two years ago, I knew that this place was special. I knew that there was something very specific that drew me in to what they were doing here. Even as I listened to Paula talk to one of her adopted sons about school and homework (very mundane things) I felt so overwhelmed with the presence of something greater in the midst. This past week I witnessed this on an even bigger scale. I got to be a part of daily life here at the farm. And it was beautiful.

All of the kids have come from ROUGH backgrounds. They have been through situations that if you heard about would make you cry- like I'm trying not to do right now.
But let me tell you something else about these kids- they are great. They are loved, and they are loved well. And their lives are being redeemed. They have been pulled out of the darkest of places and God is using the Colbaths to sow hope and love into their destinies; and I believe without a shadow of a doubt that there will be freedom harvested in their lives.

The thing I've found that has drawn me to this place is that I didn't come visit an institution or a program; I came to visit a home. A home where life happens and things get messy, but everyone works together and does their best to make things right. And in that, they are changing lives. They are shifting things in the Kingdom, just by living authentically and graciously.

And just a side note- Mark & Paula (the parents at HF) are some of the most down to earth, humble, gracious, people you could ever imagine. They are pouring their lives out in a way that just by being around them makes you feel like you understand the gospel a little better. They are a smaller children's home (they have made the decision to stay smaller in order to shepherd the lives of the kids well), and so they function similar to a "normal" family. Paula makes dinner, and home schools a majority of the kids, and Mark supports them by working two jobs (smart computer-y jobs) from home. They are amazing, hardworking, parents. And they love their kids.

As I talked with Paula throughout this last week, I felt so much freedom. As we talked about the stories of the kids and the struggles of life, and Paula talked with so much grace in everything, I felt overwhelmed by the goodness of God. I felt hope rise in my soul, as I was reminded that life is hard BUT God is so good. He is good not to leave us in our dark places; He pulls us out and puts us in a family. He becomes our Abba.

So as I leave here to head to another one of my favorite places in the world (Jardin de Gracia) I am so grateful for this time I have had to experience the goodness of God, and see the Kingdom prevailing even in the midst of darkness.

And this little short rambley blog doesn't even come close to giving you the full picture of Hope Farms, so if you want to know more here is a link to their website where you can read more about what they're about :) including their recent chocolate endeavors!! They are making fairly traded chocolate, and let's just say it's really good… I may have eaten just a little bit while I've been here…

Blessings to you guys back in The States!
Shalom!!


http://hopefarmhonduras.org/AboutUs.php

Nicholas Sparks No More

A few years ago I wrote a post about how Nicholas Sparks and other movies like his should be labelled as "emotional porn." Harsh- I know... I then began to question my own conviction after being rebuked for that post by women that I respected. Granted- my post wasn't tilted towards the gracious side but more towards the judgmental side, so I understand that the idea wasn't welcomed to many with open arms. But let me just say right now that it was NOT my heart to shove my convictions down any one else's throat; and I  didn't mean to come across so judgmental.  I just recognized something that was causing dissatisfaction in my life. I could see the potential damage that this thing could have on my, and maybe other women's, future relationships. So let me now revisit this topic with more grace and understanding…

First off, let me point out the good that I see in these movies…
   
 I think most romantic movies such as {but not limited to} Nicholas Sparks', tend to focus on forgiveness, reconciliation, and even laying down your own desires for the benefit of someone else. Obviously these things are beneficial for all of us to observe. Also, it's good to observe love and treasure it for the beauty that it is! There is something truly "magical" about when two people decide to unite their lives and take on the world together.

Secondly, now that I have hopefully convinced you that I'm not a bitter cynic…

One of the main objections I have to steamy romances is the dissatisfaction that they seem to breed in the women that watch them. I can definitely say this is fact for  myself, but also for many other women I know that are willing to be authentic about the desires that these types of movies stir up in their hearts. It is difficult enough to be single, we don't need a movie to show us all the hot and heavy details that we are missing out on… I truly believe that being single is a gift, but often times it's a blessing in disguise- because it is disguised in all of our desire to be in a relationship or feel the "butterflies."

Another red flag I have is the expectations these movies set up for the men in our lives. Not that men should't be held to a standards, they should. And in some movies I think the male lead can set GOOD expectations for girls. But the ideal of a guy that is able to fix my car, play the guitar/piano, be a doctor, always know the right thing to say, understand what I'm feeling without me having to tell him, and have a six-pack… is just a little extreme. Like I said though, some male leads set good expectations, mostly when it comes to their character. But just like I wouldn't want my significant other to hold me to the standard of Angelina Jolie or Natalie Portman, I don't think it's fair that I expect him to be a super buff, mechanic/doctor/dreamboat.

The reason I am revisiting this subject is because it was brought back to my attention when I watched "Endless Love," the first Nicholas Sparks movie I have seen in a while. And it really confirmed a lot of my convictions I had felt a few years ago. Of course I am not saying "DO NOT WATCH THESE MOVIES OR YOU WILL NEVER HAVE A HAPPY MARRIAGE AND YOUR LIFE WILL BE TERRIBLLLLLLE." I am just saying that I think we watch these movies to flippantly without {as cheesy as it is} guarding our hearts. Everyone IS different though, and these movies do not effect everyone the same way, so you have to take care to guard your heart and I have to take care to guard mine.

My heart when it comes to this matter is that girls living the single life would truly enjoy their singleness, and not always be looking for someone to sweep them off their feet. I hope you are challenged to revisit the cheesy idea of "guarding your heart," and what that looks like for you.

Shalom y'all.




P.S. I think I am pretty settled on the idea of not watching these movies anymore just for pure enjoyment, but that does't mean I don't want to be invited to girls nights just because I'm the freak that doesn't watch chick flicks! I would rather have the blessing of fellowshipping with my sisters and have to take extra care to guard my heart, than miss out on the fellowship all together. So there's that.

Prosperity and prodigal.

I've been thinking a lot lately about the prosperity gospel, that is so widely accepted here in the US… I've noticed recently how sneaky and subtle it can be. A lot of it comes down to not allowing the Lord to satisfy you, I think.
But I had a small revelation about the idea as a whole the other day. I think if we look at the story of the  prodigal son we can understand the real problem with the prosperity gospel.

The prodigal son demanded his inheritance NOW; he knew that his father had good things for him, but he wanted those things on his time schedule, and he demanded that he be given his inheritance immediately. The father gave him what he asked, knowing that his son would only grow distant from him after taking his inheritance. {Oh, the love and grace of the Father.}
How often do we do this…? Not even just with material things, but with the other things that the Lord has given us. How often do we demand healing, peace, or "a word," from the Lord? Not that these are bad things to seek, but when we start seeking them more than we seek God himself, or desire them more than we desire Him, we find ourselves in the position of the entitled stubborn child stomping our foot at our father. Abba wants to give us good things, but He also knows the details more than we do. He sees everything and He knows everything. We don't.

The greatest part about the prodigal son story is that the Father is waiting to welcome the son home. Abba is ever patiently waiting for us to humble ourselves and return to His open arms.
Praise Him.