Autumn leaves

I love Autumn because the trees burst forth in their best dressed leaves and greet me with their warmest greeting. I love the smell of autumn. I love driving through the leaves as they fall to the earth, dancing slowly in a spiral to the earth below. I love the crunch of the leaves under my bundled feet. GAAHHH! I love it.
But if you will, for a moment go with me on a slightly morbid mind trail…

The sad thing about autumn is that it's only a season, and it's beautifully colored leaves only last for a breath until they fall to the earth to take their place with the dirt. The bright colors can't last forever. As much as I want them to greet me every morning  from my balcony, I know that it's only a season. In a few weeks all that will be left is empty branches and a cold wind to take their place.

This holiday, as I was spending what could have been my last thanksgiving with my Grandmother, I was reminded of the seasons changing, and how our youth is like that season of bursting bright color. We won't hold onto our youthful zest forever; just like the leaves can't maintain their bright orange, yellow and red colors forever, simply because of the fact that the earth is drawing us down to meet it and take our place with the dirt. Our bodies are weak and a victim of the sin that's taken this earth captive. But just like the trees dancing and twirling to the earth below, I want to go down dancing and twirling graciously and peacefully. I also want to use my bursting bright colors well though… I want to be a source of joy and wonder. I want people to think of me in the cold gray winter in order to get them through until the bright and warm season of spring. Also I want to get to my fullest potential {my brightest color, if you will}.

I'm going to burst forth brightly in this season, and I hope you are encouraged to do the same.

{The grass withers and the flowers fade, but the word of the Lord endures forever}

Settling in.

All my clothes are finally in their drawers and due places. FINALLY. And by "all" I mean all the ones that aren't piled high in the dirty-clothes hamper. And contrary to my clothing being settled, I still feel in that rough phase where everything is still so uncertain. I feel like every corner I turn around there is something new that I hadn't expected. It may not even be anything bad, it's just not what I expected, so it throws me slightly. I know it's only a temporary phase. I know that soon enough I will be settled in here. But Im reminded that expectations can be tricky to deal with in life, because they're almost impossible to avoid but you always have to be ready for the reality of situations not living up to your expectations. And when you look back at a later time you're usually grateful that the situations DIDN'T live up to your expectations. Still though... they're tricky.

So as of right now I'm still settling in. I am missing my piney woods {like I knew that I would}, but I am enjoying the tree top view from my apartment window. Now there is something I didn't expect!  That was a pleasant surprise! I am also missing my Longview friends terribly, and can't wait until I get to see them again.

I guess that's all for now.

Shalom y'all.

C'est la vie.

Here I am, sitting in my room with boxes half packed, and laundry I don't see the point in putting away strewn all across my bed. Life feels weird today. I feel like my grip on reality is slightly looser than normal. I can't even seem to grasp the concept of my calendar pages and how they relate to real days that have happened or will happen. I can't even fathom the idea that in one week exactly I will be sitting in a new room, with new furnishings, and a new view from the window. I'll miss my pine forest. I will miss the dancing shadows it casts on my window. I will miss a lot of things. Too many things to even type out. It's a lot of little things as well as several big things.

Change is difficult. Especially for those of us with sentimental hearts. It's not that I think this next place won't be wonderful and exciting, it's just the fact that it won't be THIS place. It's that I have to let go to move on. I will have to look forward while my heart will inevitably be holding back slightly.
BUT- this is life. Change happens. You just gotta keep breathing.

...365...

One year ago.

At exactly this time last year I was in a similar situation as I am this year. Getting ready to jump into a new adventure. And on the 3rd of September, it will have been exactly 365 days since I got on that plane to Honduras, and I will be starting classes with Ingredients Trainee Program. Slightly uncanny how the two things share the same date... but the uncanniness of it has caused me to really look back over the last year {365 days, if you will}, and take stock of everything I've been through.

It's been a rough year. To be real.

I've experienced the pain of things being torn from my grip and put on display right in front of me. I've felt the hurt of friends turning their backs toward me. I've loved things I then had to let go. And I've tripped, gotten up, tripped again, and then realized that my own two feet are the very things causing me to stumble.

But as I sit hear with sweaty eyes, I also remember that "better is a house of mourning." And I will press through the pain to find what lies ahead. Expecting good things, because with a little bit of wisdom under my belt, and with ankles strengthened from their weaker state- I will press on to a new adventure. I will fall, but always get up at least one more time. I will find rest in the fact that my Abba has something up his sleeve. And I will make the decision to look at my past with eyes seeking wisdom and understanding only, and not self-pity.

So as I get ready for the next 365, I do so knowing that it might not be easy, but it will be GOOD. I will probably trip again at some point, but He will pick me back up and dust me off.

May the Lamb receive the reward of His suffering.

SHALOM

"You can have it all, my empire of dirt"

Thinking a little bit today about death and loss.

I know, a little morbid for a saturday afternoon. But really I was thinking more about change and how it effects our lives... which then trailed into how losing a person changes our lives, which then of course brought me to the thought of losing a person to the other side {death}.

{I'm trying my best to put my trailing thoughts onto this page... but it's difficult, so bear with me here.}

So in trying to comprehend what it is that makes losing a person just so difficult, I came to the conclusion that one of the biggest factors, for me anyways, is change.
Because when you lose someone, your life is going to change. Even if just in a small way, it's inevitable that there will be a shift of change. And for me... change is difficult. I usually come out at the end of it for the better, but it doesn't make that adjustment period any easier.
I typically go through that period kicking, screaming, and stomping my feet. So mature.
And of course I always try and justify myself and make myself look as noble as possible, by making excuses for why I feel the way that I do. But there are no excuses. There are usually no words adequate
enough to express the tearing in your chest when someone walks out of your life. So making excuses is silly. Not that you're not aloud to feel that hurt, but you don't have to make excuses for the hurt that you're feeling. Sometimes life just hurts. Plain and simple.

And processing hurt is difficult enough without feeling like you have to justify yourself.

Of course there is that point where walking in hurt will do nothing but cause you more hurt, so you have to crawl out of the fetal position, stand to your feet, hold your chin up, and carry on. But one of the good thing that comes from hurt is that it acts as an equalizer among us humans. We've all been hurt in some form or fashion in our lives {there's just no way around it}, so we should be able to assist those that are maybe stuck in the fetal position, and if we get stuck hopefully there will be some one there to pull us up.


Hopefully that wasn't as morbid as you thought it would be.

Just some thoughts.

~SHALOM~

Free Time

Recently my schedule has opened up because school has finally ended for the semester. So I  have had a lot more "free time"...hence this blog post.

As you may or may not know {whoever "you" is... who even reads this blog, honestly?!}...... uhm, yeah, but you may or may not know that this past semester has been a difficult one for me. And things aren't exactly getting easier.  So in an attempt to be genuine and authentic, I will share a little bit of what I've been dealing with...
At the end of this past semester in the heat of finals I had an anxiety attack. Full-blown- had to pull my car over, couldn't breathe, couldn't speak- anxiety attack. This was the second anxiety attack I have ever had in my full 20 years. The first was during a dance rehearsal when I was about 14 or 15. After calming down and taking to heart some wisdom from some people that are wiser and stronger than myself, I made a link between these two attacks.

Control.

I know, you're thinking- "duh." But really, when I calmed down and was praying about where all of this intense extreme physical response to emotion was coming from. I had a revelation {that I believe was from the Lord}. I realized just how deep and latent my need for control was, and how much I cared about the approval of man. Ya see, both of these anxiety attacks were brought on by a feeling of a lack of control of my performance. The first, my dance performance. The second, my academic capability. I won't even go through my thought process during the anxiety attack, because it is so absurd. It was soaked in lies and blasphemes. If you have never had an anxiety attack, I hope you never have nor ever will, but it's like hearing the lies of the enemy so strongly that you can't hear anything else, not even reason. The only thing, or person rather, that can break you out of it is the light of HOPE {AKA-Jesus}. Or medications maybe.... You can take your pick between those two. This last anxiety attack was also coupled with an extra heaping of that "lack of control" feeling, because here I was done with the highest level of dance classes at K.C. and not really having anywhere to move forward with my dance training.

So something that I feel like is kind of a natural human response to feeling helpless and not having control of your own life, is to pull yourself up by your bootstraps, and by george take life by the horns!!
I mean, life isn't just happening TO you. You're in this thing kid. Do something. Take control.

The problem with swinging the pendulum this way is that we really can't ever be fully in control of our lives. Life happens, ya know. Think of the recent bombing and tornado just here in the last month! Im pretty sure those people were not prepared for those things nor did they feel in control in the midst of those circumstances. Something we can be in control of, however- is the way we respond in those situations. We can decide that we are IN FACT not in control, and to learn to trust and depend on the one that truly is in control. The maker and creator of the universe. The author and perfecter of our salvation. The sustainer.

Maybe that's a little to cliche for you.
But it is what makes life worth living for me.

All the toiling and all the performing {even if you're good at it!} will leave you empty at some point or another. Not that working toward things, and trying to do your best is bad! Just don't stake your life on it!

One thing that would really stress me out this past semester, when I was dealing with all of this, was having "free time." I felt this unnerving need to accomplish things and get things done, to the point where I wouldn't really ever rest or have any down time. Even when I wasn't "doing" anything I was stressing about how I wasn't doing anything!! So after everything came to a breaking point, and I was sorting things out after my anxiety attack, I came to the realization that my time has already been bought. And even though it doesn't really belong to me, that kind of takes the pressure off. My God bought my time when He purchased my life with His blood. He owns all of me, and when we release ourselves to that truth it takes away all of the pressure to accomplish our own tasks. And now I've found my self with some real FREE TIME. I have the freedom to take time out of my day to sit and drink coffee at coffee shop, and then spontaneously have a two hour visit with a friend that I don't typically just get to chat with. Or even just to sit and meditate on the good things that God has done in my life. I have found some real free time.
I mean, God created time. Maybe it would be a good idea to let him manage my time.

So today- the things that I need to accomplish are the things that I do.
Simple as that.


~SHALOM~

With or without mascara.

I wake up in the morning, usually in a bit of a rush to get clothes on and head out the door, but not before starring at myself in the mirror for a moment and hemming and hawing about how much makeup {if any at all} I'm going to dawn that day. It's a daily routine. But today, as I hem and haw, I remember what the true beauty that I carry is.

The most beautiful thing I have to offer to the world today is the light that I carry with me. Or, withIN me. So yes, I may have dark circles under my eyes, but the light shining forth from my soul can shine past that. And my capacity to love and encourage won't be hindered by how dull my complexion looks today. AND, even if I was to cake my face with makeup, the light that I carry still wouldn't be hindered! It could still shine through.

So, with or without mascara, I am going to take on this day- full force! With the confidence of a girl who is more concerned with the people around her, than the skin that she just so happens to be wearing.

Shalom y'all.